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The resonance of non-verbal language

The “silent language” of the body often speaks louder than words, writes M. KHEMLANI. Here, she examines the role of the non-verbal code in human communication and how misunderstandings can so easily arise.

Research indicates that the spoken word is only a minor contributor to communication. The non-verbal code, also dubbed the “Silent Language” by Edward Hall, plays a much more significant role. What then comprises the non-verbal code?

One aspect of the non-verbal code is the voice. The pitch, the tone, the volume all carries a message beyond the words. “You’re so naughty” said in a loving whisper to a fiancée while hugging her has quite a different message from “You’re so naughty” said in a loud raised tone by an angry mother. The same words but entirely different messages!

The body language and the tone of voice in the first message are in conflict to the actual words used. What you say, how you say it and the nature of the body language that accompanies the spoken word carries the message across.

However, what is deemed the correct norm for volume and when it is to be raised varies with the culture. A study by Jamaliah Mohd Ali shows that Indians from the Indian subcontinent tend to raise their voice when attempting to claim the floor or the rights of the next speaker whereas the British raise their tone when they are angry.

It is therefore probable that misunderstanding of intention will result when voices are raised by these two speech communities as the motive for doing so vary.

Body language, especially facial expressions, patterns of eye contact, gestures and even the distance we sit or stand from one another are other aspects of the “other code”. “Sila buat ini” (Please do this) accompanied with a smile carries quite a different message from “Sila buat ini” accompanied by a glare! It is important to ensure that both the verbal and non-verbal messages are consistent.

However, different communities may have different perceptions of the same gesture. Shaking the hands of a lady may be deemed too forward in some communities, kissing both cheeks as a greeting will definitely not suit many ethnic groups here.

Therefore, remaining ignorant of the cultural norms of different speech communities vis-a-vis the non-verbal aspects of communication can create misunderstandings and even breakdowns in communication.

Not so long ago a member of a royal family from the West visited the monarch of a neighbouring eastern country. Without meaning to, he created offence and annoyed the citizens of the country, who accused him of not showing respect to their king. Why? He sat in a boat in such a position that his feet were pointing to their sovereign. This is considered very disrespectful – according to their cultural norms. The Western dignitary, without meaning to, found himself at the centre of an unpleasant controversy.

However, such cultural norms vary not only across cultures and nations but also within a nation. For instance, in a multicultural society like Malaysia, one has to be aware of the non-verbal codes of another speech community.

Communication can also break down not only across national groups but also across ethnic groups within a nation. For instance, patting or touching, very common among schoolgirls, could create some misunderstanding and friction if the hair is touched. Many non-Muslims are unaware of this taboo. A girlfriend was once ticked off while admiring and touching the hair of a Malay girlfriend.

Using the fore finger instead of the thumb to point can also be considered “kurang ajar” (rude) by one ethnic group.

Even within an ethnic or speech community, misunderstandings can arise. The more Westernised and liberal members can unwittingly infringe on cultural norms of the more traditional members of society. For instance, when a visiting philosopher or sage from India gave a talk in the private residence of a follower, some members of the crowd, all belonging to the same ethnic group, sat on the staircase as the hall, where the sage was giving his talk, was packed. The hostess perceived this as showing disrespect to the sage as they were sitting “higher” than him.

The space between communicators depends on their status and relationship. Anthropologist Edward Hall finds that Arabs communicate at much closer distances that people reared in the United States. Another study shows that Pakistani male undergraduates tend to walk hand-in-hand. This may be misunderstood in some quarters.

Facial expressions and when to smile or frown vary from culture to culture. In certain communities like the Japanese and the Sindhis, happiness must not be manifested on the bride’s face. The bride must look solemn and sad as she is leaving her parents. Consequently, the modern bride who smiles her way through the ceremony is often told by the elders, in an undertone, “to look serious”. Many Westerners may, however, misunderstand the solemnity and think that perhaps the bride was being forced into a marriage.

Again, even within a community, cultural expectations regarding the non-verbal code of men and women may vary. In some cultures men are expected to speak boldly and with a strong voice, while women should speak softly.

Besides distance, eye contact is another area in which there are many misconceptions. Many people believed, for instance, that if the speakers do not have eye contact, they are uneasy or not telling the truth. However, this again depends on the culture. Eye contact also depends on the age and sex of the interlocutors. Many Malay, Chinese and Indian respondents confirmed that when speaking to elders like their grandparents, they normally do not look them in the eye. It is deemed disrespectful to do so.

These same learners when taught English are told that it is vital to maintain eye contact with their speech partners. Are we confusing our students by our expectations in the language class? Some women students, especially, find it very difficult even to look and older male teacher in the eye!

All told, communication seems to be a fairly hazardous activity as it is not limited to word but encompasses tone, volume, pitch – the paralinguistic features of language.

Moreover, effective communication includes the use of appropriate gestures, facial expressions, distancing, eye contact, etc.

What is deemed the appropriate facial expression or distance not only depends on the cultural norms of a speech community but also on who is speaking to whom.

With so many variables involved in communication, is a great thing that we do still fairly often hit the jackpot and are understood.

Thank goodness some expressions are fairly universal. A smile is a smile universally – but where, when and to whom should one smile? That’s the difficulty!

Why is it that when people do something for me, I don’t remember? But I always remember the things that I did for other people?

Basically, you are a self centered person. You usually think in the "I" frame of mind, isn't that correct? For example, you will remember that "I did this the other day for her/him". You feel "I am the one in the middle of my world". Please remember that there are other people living in this world.

Try to "give" yourself (I do not mean physically, but in your thoughts and actions) to people around you. There are people around you, am I right? When you focus on the people around you, you will notice that they have done things for you. Pause for a moment and think about this. Then you do not mind doing things for others without thinking about the "payment". Let's be realistic, people do reciprocate.

Remember that little things (thoughtful things and things which are usually taken for granted) can mean a lot to other people, also. Learn to say "thank you" and "please" and "can I help you?" more often.

I am reminded of a situation where I had breakfast at a food stall in the market at 8am the other day. When the middle-aged lady brought my order, I thanked her while paying for the food. She replied, "You do not have to thank me, it is my job to serve you." True, she was right. But I was thinking about her sacrificing some nice sleeping hours to wake up at 6am just to be able to serve me a steaming hot breakfast at 8am

Anyway, when we practice this idea of thinking about others, the goodwill that we spread by simple words and actions will become like golden boomerangs that touches peoples lives. Food for thought isn't it?

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PS. This question was taken from Yahoo! Answers with the answer supplied by myself (with some modification in language). I welcome questions and concerns from readers with regards to dealing with people and personal improvement. Send your questions to me at ww.robert126@gmail.com
It is my hope that I am able to share myself (in terms of thoughts, experiences and ideas) with people who care enough to read this blog.
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